After all, wasn't I the girl who sat talking on a stool at a recent writing workshop & proclaimed to the world (or a room full of people) that in order to have a blog, you must always be dedicated to writing on said blog? Because there is nothing more annoying than finally finding a blog you enjoy reading, only to realize the writer eventually quits writing on it.
If I'm honest, I'm totally that girl right now. I own it. Somedays it feels literally impossible to get here. Whether it's just by way of an overly busy schedule. Or me processing through things in a much more private way. Scribbling through journals, calling my best friend, or just trying to avoid my feelings all together. (As I have been known to do.)
Blogging ---> Why Are You SOOOOOO hard?!
This whole space continues to challenge me & demands that I work through things I quite frankly just don't want to work through sometimes. I HATE THAT. And yet I know how good this is for me. Which is why you won't see me giving this space up anytime soon. Here's to living (and then fretting about writing) our Truth. Cheers.
In other news.....
School has started for the kids. They are both doing SO GREAT. #proudmom
My college car FINALLY decided to die on us after a good 12 years of use.
[Seriously. What a trooper.]
Bridget Jones is having a baby. I need to see how this ends. Movie date anyone?!
After a terrible spout of strep throat, I've decided I can never grow old.
If only because I can NEVER remember to take my meds.
Or finish my meds.
Or seem to even remember I have meds at all for that matter.
The Vikings play the Packers tonight.
So naturally my husband who bleeds purple is just trying to keep it together right now.
I'm in a 2 month shop-free cleanse currently.
No clothes. No shoes. No purses. FOR TWO MONTHS.
This may seem really shallow.
Yet I admit it truly is a little hard for a true fashion consumer like me.
But my closet, checkbook, & husband are all very happy about it.
Fall has creeped up on me - despite knowing how this whole change of the seasons thing works.
This year it really came back fast.
Like the return of the 90's velvet choker necklace.
It's all very - WHOA. Where did this come from?!
And I'm hating every moment of it.
For those of you who need a list as to reasons why we should all hate Fall, here goes:
Reasons To Hate Fall
1. It's getting colder.
2. Pumpkin spice is just so overplayed.
3. Goodbye cute summer wedges.
4. Soon I will be commuting in snow.
5. I lost my sister in the fall. It's just all very gloom & doom from there.
6. Football widow anyone?
7. Death seems everywhere. The trees. The grass. Brown is just not my favorite color.
8. Back to school shopping. OH. MY. LANTA.
9. The days get shorter & my Vitamin E levels tank.
10. Summer vacations with my besties have officially ended for the year.
That last one is what I've been really focused on lately.
Since every summer is when I finally get to see the other people connected to my soul, I find myself in a bit of slump when it's all ended.
This year I immensely looked forward to seeing my squad.
We made all sorts of plans & I knew we would have a great week together.
When my best friend Krista arrived from Indianapolis, it didn't take us long to cut the crap & dive into the deep.
I'm always so thankful for how God uses the close friendships in my life to help me figure out my way through the maze of adulting.
There were a few sharp edges to some truths she gave me that cut pretty deep.
Things I know I need to do & have put off.
Or things I don't even realize I'm doing that suck the life right out of me.
Her words were a mirror to my heart.
Just when I thought I was doing maybe okay-ish, she helped me to see that with a few modifications, I could do much better than okay-ish.
Our time together never disappoints.
Especially not the stories she tells, the taste of salty tears from spilling out my greatest fears & regrets, or just the physical pain of deep belly laughs.
Matching bestie shoes sold separately. #squadgoals
Not more than a couple weeks later, a few other close Iowa friends came for a short visit.
With their own set of encouragement & challenges for my life, I know I should have felt thankful that they cared enough to help me walk through some difficult things.
And I was - and still am - grateful & honored to have my friends.
But by the end of August & the end of my time with these people who know me inside & out- I was feeling completely vulnerable & exposed.
I didn't realize how much I had been closing myself off.
Or how much I try to hide from the people I love what I am really going through.
So much so that when I was with the people I know I can be genuinely authentic with & finally let my guard down, I struggled immensely after doing so.
Terrified that I had let people too closely in.
Afraid of what they might think.
Wondering what they might do in knowing that the image I present of having it all together, doesn't even come close to my everyday reality.
In the interest of self-preservation, I preferred to stay in the dark.
It just plain seems safer there.
I never thought that light could be so painful.
From here I'm just taking it all in.
Their advice. Their love. Their guidance.
I'm sifting through it all.
Reading the books they gave me.
[Though honestly - I didn't want to read them. Books that scare the crap out of me. Deep breaths.]
Praying & meditating through each of their words.
And mostly just being thankful.
For the people who know the deepest parts of us - and love us anyway.
It's been QUITE A MONTH dear Internet friends, of change.
Which seems to be appropriate I suppose with the theme of Fall & all it's turning colors.
I know Fall can be beautiful when seen through the right lens.
I just don't know if I'm up for it yet. #truth #jesusbenear
Have a great week Reader.